I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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