You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
