I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
