everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
