Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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