my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
