Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
