She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
