OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
