I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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