i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
