Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
