Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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