she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
