i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
