I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
