My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
