i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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