How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
