I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
