it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
