I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
