yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
barbara walters just said penis...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
