If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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