what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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