Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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