I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
