how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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