So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
