your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
