Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
