just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
