your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
