Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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