He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
