just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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