don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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