So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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