Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
