My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
