My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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