I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
thus making me awesome and them whores
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
