Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
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