I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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