respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
