Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
