The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
