her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
