I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Small penises have feelings too.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
