Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
